7 Ways to Help Kids Get and Stay Connected... Not to Computers, But to People

By Barbara Pachter

When I speak to parents on how to foster better connectivity skills (the ability to form and maintain relationships with others) in their kids, one of the first things I tell them is, “You have to teach your kids to say hello and goodbye to other people.”

And then they look at me, like “Duh, Barbara. Of course I teach my child to say hello.”

I believe that some parents do. Yet, based on the sheer number of kids and adults I meet, teach, and coach who tell me that schoolmates, coworkers, neighbours, and other acquaintances will see them and not say anything, I know something has gone wrong. We are failing to connect. We are failing to teach our kids how to connect with others.

Saying hello and goodbye does matter. It’s virtually impossible to connect with people if you don’t greet them—even with just a smile—to acknowledge that “I see you.” By doing so, kids put themselves “out there” in the world in a positive way. They create the opportunity to meet and get to know another person. That’s why greetings are the foundation of connectivity skills, because without them, your child’s relationships with others may not occur.

Here are 7 simple ways you can help kids connect with others through greetings:

1. ROLE MODEL HOW TO SAY HELLO AND ACKNOWLEDGE OTHERS. If we don’t role model how to greet others, introduce ourselves, and shake hands, our kids are less likely to know how to do it, won’t know it’s important that they do it, and will therefore not be as confident or comfortable as others when meeting people. You absolutely need to communicate to kids through action and words: connecting with other people matters. Many people think they are greeting others but when they tune in and pay attention many find out they are not greeting as often as they think.
   
   
2. OBSERVE YOUR CHILD WITH OTHERS. You don’t want to put your child under a microscope, but you do need to pay attention and watch if he or she is greeting others. Specifically try to notice her greeting patterns, such as, does she respond back when greeted? Does he know to say goodbye? Identifying your child’s connectivity comfort zones will help you help her move out of them. You can then gently encourage her to say hello to the new girl on the block or the kids at the playground if you see she’s holding back.
   
   
3. TEACH YOUR CHILD THE IMPORTANCE OF EYE CONTACT. Kids need to be told that in order to truly connect, they have to make eye contact when they’re greeting others, making introductions, or saying goodbye, both with adults and other kids. Even some outgoing children will try to avoid making eye contact because it can be uncomfortable. Reassure your child that making eye contact gets easier over time.
   
   
4. TEACH KIDS ABOUT NON-VERBAL GREETINGS. Adults know that in our complex and diverse world, not all greetings are verbal. We know that in addition to saying “hello” or “good morning” that we may kiss or hug good friends. To others that we see quickly in passing, we may just nod, smile, or wave. Let your child know that he can acknowledge friends though eye contact, a smile, a nod, or a wave. One shy boy would do a low wave to his friends and he became known for that.
   
   
5. GIVE KIDS PERMISSION TO GREET ADULTS. Of course adults know it’s okay for kids to greet adults—in fact, that they do so and politely, but kids don’t know the boundaries. Almost every adult your child meets is in some way an authority figure, someone in a position of power. Most adults, especially teachers, principals, and people in uniform, do inspire awe and/or fear in kids. But parents should explain that as long as she’s in a safe environment, she should greet her teachers or coach, or other adults if she’s with you.
   
   
6. LET KIDS TALK LIKE KIDS. Most kids, at least under the age of eight or nine, aren’t going to remember to say, “Good afternoon,” or “Nice seeing you,” and let’s face it, kids who are older would find that a strange greeting anyway. When kids are under the age of 12, “Hi,” or “See you,” are perfectly acceptable ways to greet and leave another child. One mom told me that hearing her eight-year old son say, “Hey,” to his friends made her cringe. I told her not to worry about it; at least he was greeting others and making the connections.
   
   
7. HELP KIDS FEEL COMFORTABLE INTRODUCING THEMSELVES. You can make what can often be a difficult and painful experience—being the kid who doesn’t know anyone and isn’t introduced—a lot easier by teaching your child how to introduce herself. I find that kids do well when they practice a “What’s Your Line.” This is a simple one to three sentence introduction that includes a greeting and your child’s name, a quick fact that helps bridge the gap, like where your child is from or what class she’s in at school, and a question to the other person. “What’s your name?” is the best one for kids, especially under the age of 12.
   

Barbara Pachter is the author of "When the Little Things Count…And They Always Count" and "The Power of Positive Confrontation." She is a speaker, trainer, and coach specializing in communications, etiquette, and assertiveness issues. Pachter is writing a new book about the 99 most important connectivity skills to teach today’s techno-oriented kids who spend more time alone—in front of the TV, computers, and electronic games. (She is the author of six communications books and has now turned her attention to helping children learn connectivity skills based on the number of questions and comments she has gotten about kids in her adult classes.)

For a review copy of "When the Little Things Count" or "The Power of Positive Confrontation," contact Blanca Olivery: 212-614-7982, or Email: publicity@avalonpub.com

Published in Networking Today, December 2003.