5 Ways to Be Verbally Graceful Under Fire

By Barbara Pachter

If you’ve ever had your work questioned, or attacked, you know it’s a terrible feeling. No one wants to hear statements like “Creating that brochure seemed like a waste of time,” “How come you spent so much money on…?” or “If you had your act together, you wouldn’t have….”

And you, like many people, may have retorted with an insulting comeback, stormed out of the office, cried (or at least wanted to!), or been struck mute.

The worst part about being questioned or attacked is that it usually catches us by surprise, and that throws us off balance. The important thing is not to react in a way we will later regret. Though it may feel good to say, “Well, what do you know, you idiot?” it’s not going to build your credibility or accomplish anything.

But it is important to act. You don’t want to be thinking, “I should have said….” When you’re prepared, it’s easier to retain your composure and not get defensive. Build your credibility and other people’s confidence in you by using the following five guidelines for what to say when the going gets tough at work:

1. AGREE WITH THE COMMENT. A good defense is the best offense. You can agree with what the person said but add information that turns the comment around, such as, “You’re right. We did spend a lot of money because it’s important to get this information out to our customers.”
   
   
2. ASK FOR CLARIFICATION. Ask questions or make comments to get more information: “Why are you saying that?” “Help me to understand what you mean by….” “Tell me more about your concern.” “Are you saying it was…?” Probing makes you less likely to appear wounded by the attack, and it also buys you some time to calm down and collect your thoughts.
   
   
3. ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU HAVE HEARD. First acknowledge what was said: “I understand your frustration,” or “I hear what you’re saying.” Then use the word and, not but, to provide clarifying information, because using but negates what comes before it. A defusing statement such as “There may be some truth to that, and we are looking at the numbers,” or “That’s interesting, and you may not realize that we’ve been looking at those numbers,” can also let the person know that you have heard him or her.
   
   
4. RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE. Be polite but firm. You can say, “I disagree, and here’s why…”
   
   
5. POSTPONE THE DISCUSSION. Sometimes it’s best to talk to the person privately. Say something like, “You obviously have strong feelings. Let’s get together after the meeting so we can discuss this issue in more depth.”
   

Barbara Pachter is the author of “The Power of Positive Confrontation” ($13.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and “When The Little Things Count...And They Always Count,” ($12.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.). She is co-author of several books including the “Prentice Hall Complete Business Etiquette Handbook.” She is a speaker, trainer and coach specializing in business communications, business etiquette, and assertiveness issues. Her client list features major corporations and organizations worldwide, including NASA, Pfizer Inc., DaimlerChrysler, Ernst & Young, and the University of Michigan. For a review copy of “When the Little Things Count” or “The Power of Positive Confrontation,” contact Blanca Olivery: 646-375-2571, or blanca@avalonpub.com. Published in Networking Today, May 2004.