Whose Business Are We In?

By Janet Christensen

At some point, each of us encounters situations where you want to jump in and fix something in another person’s life, perhaps a family member, friend, or co-worker. It may be a personal situation, a work problem, a financial situation, a conflict – the opportunities to jump in and “fix it” are vast and diverse. And our desire to help out comes from a very sincere, caring motive – most of the time. Sometimes our motive can be frustration or anger when we see “same stuff, different day,” and when we are tired of hearing the same story or complaint over and over again. Then we just want to wrestle control and show the other person how it could be so much better, and so easily, too!

I have one particular relationship in my life with someone who just doesn’t seem quite able to get their act together, at least in my estimation. Recently, a series of events and choices that we had each made resulted in an issue that I needed to address. This afforded me the opportunity to let this person know what they were doing “wrong,” what they could do to fix it, and a few other things at the same time. To my surprise, this erupted into a huge argument and misunderstanding. Some very hurtful things were said and I was shocked that my well meant attempt to help had resulted in an attack on me. The other person chose “the best defense is offense” reaction.

This person is someone who I love and care about very much and I know she is capable of much more than she gives herself credit for being able to achieve. I had been operating under the assumption that by telling her where she were going wrong and how she could fix it, I was showing her the way to improve her life. During the next few days following our altercation, I had time to think about my part in what had happened. This was a humbling, enlightening, and ultimately, a freeing experience.

When I stood back and looked from the other person’s perspective it became clear that the message I was sending was far different from what I thought it was. The message I thought I was sending was “I believe in you and you can do anything you set your mind to do.” I was really saying “You are not good enough where you are. You need to be fixed, and I don’t think you can do this by yourself.” Quite a difference!

The next time that we spoke, I apologized for trying to “fix” this person and her life – for making the business of her life my business, without being invited to do so. I explained that I had acted out of love and concern; however I realized that my words and actions were hurting and not helping. I was trying to force her to somewhere where she was not ready to go, and perhaps does not want to be.

I made a commitment to be there to love and support her as she is now, and when she decides to move forward. This does not mean that I will condone staying stuck in the “same stuff, different day“ syndrome. Rather, I will ask “What do you plan to do about it and how can I support you in that?” That is very different from jumping in to assess and report what is wrong and prescribe the appropriate action to fix it. Instead, by asking the question, I trust her to find her own answers and solutions and I offer my support to help her do that.

Our new challenge is to figure out the new dynamic to our relationship. As I let go of her business, our roles change; I am no longer the Ms Fixit, and she gets to be CEO of her life. This has been freeing for both of us. She no longer feels the need to meet my expectations of her, and I have more time to spend on the business of my life.

The next time you are tempted to jump in and “fix,” ask yourself “whose business is this?” Unless you are invited to do help out, your well meaning assistance may not be the best help you can give.

Janet Christensen passionately inspires potential as a professional speaker, Passion Map facilitator and writer. She can be reached through her company Unlimiting Potential at (519) 434-5397 or toll free 1-888-779-3061 fax (519) 434-8344 email info@janetchristensen.com Web site www.janetchristensen.com. Published in Networking Today, September 2004.