That's Just RUDE! Exploring the Rudeness Matrix

By Nancy Friedman

Paper or Plastic? Sound familiar? And do you know what else is familiar? How many of us have been at a checkout counter where the clerks are talking to each other and ignoring us, the customer? Rude, wasn't it?

The fact is rudeness in our society is reaching epidemic proportions. We've all been on the receiving end of rude behavior. Sometimes, we may even be guilty of giving, rather than receiving.

So what exactly constitutes rude behavior? Is it always intentional? Can you be rude by NOT taking action? Can it be an accident?

FACT: The offended party is the sole judge of whether something is RUDE or not.

One person's RUDE might be another person's habit. Example: I might think it's RUDE to constantly crack your knuckles, while you may feel great when doing it.

To get a clear understanding of the term RUDE, let's look at its definition:

1. Lacking the graces and refinement of civilized life;
   
2. uncouth Lacking education or knowledge I
3. ll-mannered; discourteous
   

Not exactly words you'd want to be used when describing you, huh? To make rudeness easier to identify, understand and (hopefully) avoid, we've classified RUDES into the form of a matrix. On the X axis we've distinguished between whether the rudeness was passive or active, in other words, was it from something you did or from something you didn't do? On the Y axis we've distinguished by whether the action was accidental or on purpose.

First, let's begin with Type 1, Accidental Rudeness by Omission.

This is inadvertent rudeness caused by a lack of action. Examples include:

• Forgetting to RSVP to a function/meeting
  
• Being so focused that you ignore others around you
  

In Type 2 rudeness we have Accidental Rudeness by Commission, which is inadvertent rudeness caused by something you did. Examples include:

• Inappropriate cell phone use
  
• Sneezing into your hands and then offering to shake hands
  

Type 3 rudeness is Intentional Rudeness by Omission, purposeful rudeness caused by a lack of action. Examples might include:

• Not returning voice mails/email or phone calls
  
• Purposefully leaving a mess with the intention of having others clean it up
  

And perhaps the worse offense of them all, Type 4 Intentional Rudeness by Commission. This is rudeness delivered on purpose and caused by an action you took. This is industrial strength rudeness with the intention of sending a message. Being “nasty” on purpose or using sarcastic humor One-word answers (this is often thought of as cold and uncaring) As you can see, for such a little word... RUDE is a big topic. Let's strive for a RUDE OUT – a day without any rude behavior.

Nancy Friedman is president of Telephone Doctor®, an international customer service training company headquartered in St. Louis, Missouri, specializing in customer service and telephone skills. She is a KEYNOTE speaker at association conferences and corporate gatherings and is the author of four best selling books. Call 314-291-1012 for more information or visit the website at www.telephonedoctor.com.

Published in Networking Today, January 2005.

Mental Health is a Bottom Line Issue

By Barbara Bartlein

When Philip Burguieres first noticed symptoms of depression he was CEO of Weatherford International, and at the top of his game. He had a beautiful family, nice house, and the respect and admiration of his peers. What he didn’t have was peace of mind and joy in everyday living.

Mr. Burguieres, Chairman and CEO of EMC Holdings and Vice Chairman of the Houston Texans NFL team, was the keynote speaker at the recent Mental Health Association event; “Creating Workplaces That Thrive: An Employer Symposium on Mental Health and the Bottom Line.” Burguieres talked about his own battle with depression and his experiences with the health care delivery system.

“At least a quarter of all CEO’s suffer from depression, but they won’t admit it,” according to Burguieres. “They hide it. They know all the tricks. They see their psychiatrists at six in the morning, and they pay in cash.” He insists that corporate executives must be willing to face their own mental health issues, or they will not be able to help employees maximize health, well being, and productivity in the workplace.

There remains a stigma related to mental health that does not exist for other medical situations. Yet mental illness drains billions of dollars a year from businesses bottom line. Consider:

• Lost productivity and absenteeism due to mental illness cost business $63 billion dollars last year according to New Freedom Commission on Mental Health. This figure represents an increase from $43.7 billion just two years ago.
  
• Depression tends to affect people in the prime of their careers when they should be most productive.
  
• A RAND Corporation study found that patients with depressive symptoms spend more days in bed than those with diabetes, arthritis, back problems, or gastrointestinal disorders.
  
• More than $11 billion in additional costs resulted from decreased productivity due to problems with concentration, memory, and decision-making.
  

Bill Herman from Highsmith, Inc. also presented at the symposium, outlining the comprehensive approach to wellness at Highsmith to fight the high costs of healthcare. Located in Ft. Atkinson, WI, Highsmith is a privately owned distributor of supplies, furniture, and equipment. In 1989, they experienced a 53% increase in insurance premiums and initiated a multifaceted program to create a “culture of choice” where “wellness” and “employee development” are interchangeable.

While the Highsmith wellness program is voluntary, participants receive a discount on health insurance premiums if they participate. They must also be non-smokers and participate in annual health screenings. Employees have access to a comprehensive array of classes including weight management, healthy cooking, parenting, tobacco cessation, mental health screenings, and diabetes awareness. There are also stretching programs throughout the facility where employees stretch and flex to prevent injury. There is a 24/7 access to an employee assistance program, with resources for dependant, financial, and elder care coordination. With on-site exercise classes and a walking path, the expectation is that employees will actively participate in maintaining good physical and mental health.

The efforts at Highsmith have paid off. Their insurance premiums have risen only 4.9% per year versus the national average of 12.6%. The worker’s compensation discounts and dividends average 31% less than the base rate over the last ten years. They have also seen a reduction in health risk factors such as total cholesterol and hypertension decrease by 53% in the last four years. And turnover is only 8.6%, further cutting costs.

A study released by the University of Michigan’s Depression Center found that companies that initiated policies and practices addressing mental health had employees with a high level of job satisfaction. Satisfied employees are more productive and more likely to provide service to keep customers satisfied. For more information on mental health and well being in the workplace, please visit www.mhamilw.org

Sign up for Barbara's FREE email newsletter at www.barbbartlein.com.

Barbara Bartlein is the PeoplePro™. She helps businesses sell more goods and services by developing people. She can be reached at 888-747-9953, by email at: barb@barbbartlein.com or visit her Web site at www.ThePeoplePro.com.

Published in Networking Today, January 2005.

Taking Stock

By Janet Christensen

Once again we celebrate a new year, and many of us will take some time to reflect on where we are now and what we would like to achieve in the next year and beyond. We push on to our next steps, looking for bigger and better things of and for ourselves. It is important to look ahead, to chart our paths and to develop and grow our talents and abilities. However, in our enthusiasm and drive to move forward we can forget that it is just as important to take time to celebrate, to renew and refresh, and to be kind to ourselves.

As you embark on a new year, I invite you to take some quiet time for yourself and do the following:

Make a list of 25 accomplishments you had in the last year.

Many people react to this suggestion by saying “I'll never be able to list 25 accomplishments!” These do not need to be earth shattering achievements or events; they just need to be meaningful to you. Look at different areas of your life – home, work, health and fitness, financial, recreation, relationships, and spiritual. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Did you buy a new home, redecorate, reorganize, or remove clutter at home?
  
  
• What achievements did you have at work? Did you start a new job? Did you leave a job you disliked? Did you change careers? Did you take courses or undertake other professional development?
  
  
• How did you look after yourself in 2004? Did you do anything to improve your health and fitness?
  
  
• How did you improve your financial situation? Did you improve your income level, pay off some debt, change your spending habits, or start a savings plan?
  
  
• Did you take a trip, take up a new sport or other activity, take time to be in nature, take time for fun? How did you take time to re-energize and refresh yourself?
  
  
• Did you develop any new relationships? Did you improve any existing relationships? Did you let go of any relationships that were not working for you? Did you do anything to improve your relationship with yourself, such as meditation, taking quiet time, pampering yourself?
  
  
• How did you deepen your spirituality? In what ways did you make contributions – by volunteering, charitable donations, participating in special projects, sharing your expertise and talents?

This is an opportunity to take stock, appreciate what you have accomplished and give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. If you find that you list 25 accomplishments and more come to mind, add them to the list.

Your list will become a source for celebration. It can also be a useful tool for looking at and assessing what is working in your life and highlighting areas on which you want to work in the coming year. Did any of the above questions help you realize that there is something to which you are not paying attention? This is not an invitation to beat up on yourself by focusing on what you perceive to be your shortcomings. Rather, it is an opportunity to prioritize and plan at least some of what you want to have on your list of 25 accomplishments for 2005. Write down the most important two or three things on which you will focus in the coming months. Then focus on the steps and activities you need to take and the outcome will look after itself.

As your 2005 unfolds, make sure to acknowledge and celebrate your achievements along the way. Instead of waiting to list your achievements at the end of the year, list them throughout the year – that way you will be less likely to forget them. Most importantly, remember to take time to renew and refresh, and have fun.

Balance is knowing when to use our strengths and when to take time to renew them.

Janet Christensen passionately inspires potential as a professional speaker, Passion Map facilitator and writer. She can be reached through her company Unlimiting Potential at (519) 434-5397 or toll free 1-888-779-3061 fax (519) 434-8344 email info@janetchristensen.com Web site www.janetchristensen.com. Published in Networking Today, January 2005.

Reward Yourself to Keep Your Resolutions

By Karen Susman

Thoughts of resolutions follow on the heels of thoughts of sugarplums. Lose ten pounds – again. Get your taxes completed by January 3rd. Save more. Buy less. Reduce carbs. Clean your office. Learn a foreign language. Join a gym. Actually go to the gym.

It's exciting to get a fresh chance to make major life changes in 2005. What is disheartening is not breaking the resolutions, but discovering that you have made the same resolutions every year since Nixon was elected to seventh grade student council.

Here are some ways to avoid making the same resolutions over and over:

1. Make your goals specific, measurable and realistic. Instead of resolving to lose weight, resolve to lose one pound a week. That's specific. That's measurable and realistic. Caution: this doesn't mean losing the same pound every week.
   
   
2. Resolve to take specific actions that will lead you to your goals. For instance, resolve to walk three days a week during your lunch hour. Save more by brewing your own coffee instead of living in latte land. You'll save $15 a week and $780 a year.
   
   
3. Set benchmarks and deadlines so you'll stay on track.
   
   
4. Make only two or three resolutions.
   
   
5. Enlist a resolution buddy who knows your goals and deadlines. Check in regularly. Support your buddy's resolution efforts.
   
   
6. Set up regular rewards. Don't wait until you have achieved your final goals to reward yourself.
   
   
7. Don't beat yourself up because you now weigh twenty pounds more than the weight you used to think you were fat at. Start fresh with where you are today in every area of your life.
   
   
8. Gather three days in a row of new behavior. You'll hate to go backwards on the fourth day. Build on those days. As Abraham Lincoln said, "I may walk slowly, but I never walk backwards."
   
   
9. If you slip, draw a mental fence around your slip, step outside the fence, close the gate and move forward on the resolution trail. Don't look back. The sooner you draw the mental fence and lock the gate each time, the quicker you can get back on track. Just remember to lock yourself out not in.
   
   
10. If January finds you already stuffing your resolutions in the trashcan, stop! There are numerous opportunities to resolve anew. The Chinese New Year starts on February 9, 2005. If spring and summer find you unresolved, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins October 3. Start then.
    

Don't toss your list of resolutions. January 1, 2006 is only 89 days after the Jewish New Year. You can always use your same old list again in 2006. At least you will have accomplished your resolution to recycle.

Karen Susman is a Speaker, Trainer, Coach, and Author of 102 Top Dog Networking Secrets. Karen works with organizations that want to maximize performance. Programs include Humour at Work; Balance In Life; Networking Skills; Presentation Skills; and Building Community Involvement. Order new guidebooks on humour, networking, time management, and community involvement by calling 1-888-678-8818 or e-mail Karen@KarenSusman.com.. www.KarenSusman.com. Published in Networking Today, January 2005.

Asking Good Questions – Of Yourself

By Andrew Sobel

In the 1960’s, a journalist asked the great artist Pablo Picasso what he thought about mainframe computers. Picasso replied, "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."

I am continually surprised at the power of good, provocative, unexpected questions – and by how infrequently we ask them.

I experienced this just a few days ago as I was speaking to an authority in the area of email newsletters. I was talking to him about some improvements I want to make to my newsletter in 2005. His first question was, "Why do you want to change it? It sounds like people really like it, and you're doing very well professionally." Hmmm, not what I expected – I thought he would immediately start pitching me on his newsletter-improvement consulting services. His question was quite unexpected and very helpful in that it made me really think about what I was trying to accomplish through these changes.

Sometimes the simplest questions are sufficient to make us pause and reflect. Let me suggest some questions for YOU to think about as you reflect on 2004:

1. How much fun did you have in 2004? I mean real fun: Scuba diving, skiing, walks in the park, quiet time with family, gut-splitting laughter shared with one of your children or someone you love, moments when time seemed to stand still. I know I had at least one such moment (but not enough of them!), when over Thanksgiving we put on a DVD of "Will Ferrell's Best of Saturday Night Live." Some of the skits are absurd, but others were so funny we were literally rolling around on the floor together, laughing hysterically (actually, my teenagers told me that toward the end they were laughing at ME laughing, not at the skit).
   
   
2. Did you challenge any assumptions that you have about yourself and your family and friends? Did you question any sacred cows or beliefs that you hold dear? For example, I started to grapple with a very thorny one – a belief that I can personally fix everything for my children. In 2004 I reached the rather obvious conclusion that as they get older it's okay for them to do things their way, even if it's a less perfect product and even if...gasp...they fail at something in the short term. Sometimes these assumptions we hold seem small, but they can have a big impact as they play out in our daily relationships (for example, one assumption many professionals hold dear is, "My fees are already high...clients would balk at paying more." Would they?)
   
   
3. How often did you take some risks and get outside your comfort zone as a professional? Were there times when you did something new, different, and/or difficult, when you were really stretching yourself? How much did you grow professionally in 2004? If your answer is "not much," then you ought to think about challenging yourself in some new ways during the coming year.
   
   
4. Did you add more value in your client engagements? More "core value" – doing an even better job at delivering on your basic services; more "surprise value" – helping your clients in unexpected ways by identifying issues and solving problems you weren't asked to address; and more "personal value" – helping your clients learn, coaching and counseling them about their own careers, and so on.
   
   
5. Did you grow your Relationship Capital? We all have a handful of critical relationships (perhaps ten to twenty), which represent 80% of the value in our networks. These relationships should include not just clients but past clients, catalysts who can make introductions and help facilitate deals, collaborators who may work synergistically with us to serve clients, counselors who mentor and coach us, colleagues who team with us, and companions – family and friends – who nurture our emotional and spiritual side.
   

Next, here are just a few questions to think about as you go into 2005:

1. Are you really in control? In the last few years I've come to realize that in many important respects we just do not control many of the things around us (probably a blindingly obvious insight to you, the reader, and all my friends...I'm just a slow learner in some areas.. We can be careful, study, prepare, set priorities, establish goals, be virtuous, and so on, but at a certain point we really do have to let go. Before a big, high-pressure, high-profile speech or workshop, I usually fret increasingly as it draws near. Now, the night before, I try to simply let go of it – some would describe this as turning the speech over to a higher power – and relax. Personally, I think that many successful professionals are all about control, and while "there is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation," as my father used to tell me, there is also no substitute for the ulcerous and egotistical effect of thinking you are more in control than you really are.
   
   
2. Do you act as if it's all about you or all about the other person? I continue to be amazed at how obsessed we are with ourselves – with our appearance, our ideas, our emotions, and so on. Most people really don't want to hear about your nasal congestion, or how that store clerk really bummed you out by being impolite. And while clients absolutely do want to hear about your great ideas, they first want to tell you theirs – and they are most interested when your ideas directly relate to their goals and aspirations, which you won't understand unless you ask and listen.
   
   
3. What's one thing you have always wanted to do but have never have gotten around to? I sometimes ask this question at workshops, and the answers are fascinating and informative. Here are some recent answers: learn to scuba dive; learn to play the piano; hike the Inca trail from Cuzco to Macchu Picchu; study landscape gardening; travel around the world; hike to the Mt. Everest base camp; study French. What do these all have in common? They are entirely do-able! Think about that something you've always wanted to do. Put it on a Post-It. Maybe you won't do it in 2005, but thinking about it will definitely bring it closer.
   
   
4. What can you do in 2005 that will further differentiate you and set you apart from the pack? I'm not talking here about growing a mullet and dying it blue, but rather distinguishing yourself professionally and personally in the marketplace. This could take the form of a new idea or framework that you develop; some research that you conduct; an unusually memorable relationship-building event that you sponsor; a new product or service that you launch; getting a loyal client to recommend you to five other clients; or something else yet again. Most markets are crowded with what clients perceive to be relatively look-alike providers. What will you do next year to be more memorable, more distinctive, and ultimately more appealing in clients' eyes?
   

I am extraordinarily excited about 2005. The markets for professional and financial services are vibrant and growing. Common sense and genuinely good, practical ideas are as scarce as ever, which means you can out-think your competition with only modest effort. I personally have a number of writing projects in the works, and am determined to make ideas and relationships, more than ever, my singular focus for the next year.

Andrew Sobel is the leading authority on client relationships and the skills and strategies required to earn enduring client and customer loyalty. He is coauthor of Clients for Life: How Great Professionals Development Breakthrough Relationships (Simon & Schuster). He can be reached at (505) 982-0211 or by e-mail at andrew@andrewsobel.com www.andrewsobel.com Published in Networking Today, January 2005.

Humor as a Stress Buster

By Mark Gorkin

To understand humor as a way to reduce your susceptibility to stress, let's start by defining humor. Then we'll describe the therapeutic power of laughter.

Humor is the recognition and expression (both verbal and non-verbal) of the absurdities and incongruities in people and in situations. It helps each of us embrace or better accept our fears, flaws, and foibles.

And hearty laughter is like turning your body into a big vibrator, giving vital organs a brief but vigorous internal massage. Such laughter, also called "inner jogging," releases the mind-body's mood uplifting chemicals, like endorphins and dopamine – another way of creating "stress buoyancy."

How to bring humor and laughter into your life?

Try these five tips:

First: Do things that make you laugh: watch Seinfeld reruns, HBO comedy specials, or read your favourite comics.

Second: Learn to "reframe," that is, put events in an unusual or playful perspective. For example, the 20th century French poet, Edmond Rostand, upon turning 75, gazed into a mirror and declared: "Mirrors just aren't what they used to be."

Third: Share and embellish an embarrassing moment. Write a funny story; learn to laugh at your flaws and foibles. Years back, after discovering, through good old cutthroat medicine, that a tumor in my thyroid was benign, I could laugh with relief and invent the field of "tumor humor."

Fourth: Embrace both serenity and the unexpected. You know the Serenity Prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom…to know where to hide the bodies!" No, of course, it's the "wisdom to know the difference." But playful surprise is almost always a good source of laughter. And sometimes it can even be vital for surviving hazardous situations.

Let me share a story. In late 1990, as war clouds were gathering in the Middle East, almost all the staff members at the American Embassy in Kuwait were confined to the compound. Not surprisingly tension was building, along with internal grumbling and some verbal sniping. The Ambassador decided to intervene before coping capacity and morale were adversely affected. He told his second-in-command to inform personnel that the next day was a holiday and that all embassy staff would be going to the beach.

His deputy, incredulous, protested: "Sir, a war could break out at any moment. It's not safe to leave the compound!" The Ambassador, nevertheless, reaffirmed his directive.

Bright and early the next day the Ambassador descended the stairs in bathing trunks and robe while carrying a blowup rubber ducky. Most personnel were not similarly attired. "Ye of little faith," declared the Ambassador and proceeded to march everyone outside. And lo and behold, during the night, somehow, this Ambassador had managed to have tons of sand trucked into the compound. And staff had a tension-relieving, fun-filled day at the beach. The in-house stress siege was broken; the embassy personnel regrouped individually and as a community and professionally weathered the war storm.

The moral: Even under trying conditions, stress doesn't have to spiral uncontrollably downward. When safely encouraged by a savvy leader, some outrageous play can be joyfully infectious and uplifting.

The fifth and final recommendation is based on having lived in N'Awlins for many years: embrace the Mardi Gras spirit. Try costuming. Explore different personas; not only is it fun, but you just may gain a fresh perspective on your world.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc," ™ an international/Celebrity Cruise Lines speaker, training consultant, psychotherapist, syndicated writer, and upcoming author of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression. Mark, recently interviewed by BBC Radio, has a multi-award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com – cited as a workplace resource in a National Public Radio feature. As AOL's "Online Psychohumorist," ™Mark runs his weekly Shrink Rap and Group Chat. Email for his monthly newsletter recently showcased on List-a-Day.com. For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 202-232-8662. Published in Networking Today, January 2005.