Listening Is Not the Same as Waiting for Your Turn to Speak

By Karen Susman

When you ask a question, do you listen for the answer before you consider your response? Many times, we use the time our partner takes to respond to plan our rebuttal.

Recently, I experienced not listening being taken to the next level. Sitting around a friendly table of strangers, questions were being asked back and forth in an effort to get to know each other better.

One woman, let's call her Responsa Prematura, Responsa for short, thinks of herself as a great conversationalist who is interested in others. Responsa asked several good questions of those around her. Then, without waiting for a reply, she offered her own answers. It went something like this. "Joe, what kind of books do you like to read? Mysteries?" "Blanche, what's your favorite ethnic cuisine? Chinese?" "Stanley, how would you travel to Peru? By raft?" You get the idea.

It seems so simple to suggest that when you ask a question, you make eye contact, pause, lean in and wait for the questioned to consider your inquiry and offer an appropriate answer. Notice that this rarely happens. Here are a few effective listening tips to make you a truly great and appreciated conversationalist:

• Find an area of interest for you when someone speaks. If a nuclear physicist is telling you about her work, listen for how this content affects your personal world.
  
• Judge content, not delivery. If you grew up with grammar police who wrapped you on the knuckles if your participles dangled, you may not hear the message of someone who speaks with poor grammar, a thick accent, or distracting gestures. Do your best to listen for meaning and content.
  
• Delay evaluation. If someone asks you what you think of an idea or person, you can always say you want to think about it. Many people evaluate a statement before the speaker has even concluded it.
  
• Be flexible. Do try to consider the other person's perspective. What would a homeless person think about the number of shelters in your city? What would a landlord think about the same issue?
  
• Shut out distractions. Cell phones OFF, please.
  
• Exercise your mind. Read extensively. Listen to discussions based on views that aren't yours. Travel. Ask questions. Stay current. If you hear yourself saying, "When I was your age," keep it to yourself.
  
• Stop talking. Ponder instead.
  

We all want to be listened to. Your intent listening is one of the biggest compliments you can pay another person. It's life affirming.

Karen Susman is a Speaker, Trainer, Coach, and Author of 102 Top Dog Networking Secrets. Karen works with organizations that want to maximize performance. Programs include Humour at Work; Balance In Life; Networking Skills; Presentation Skills; and Building Community Involvement. Order new guidebooks on humour, networking, time management, and community involvement by calling 1-888-678-8818 or e-mail Karen@KarenSusman.com.. www.KarenSusman.com. Published in Networking Today, May, 2006