How to Always Be Right: Act in Ways that Support Your Own Stories
By Karen Susman
Wanna be right? Do everything that validates your stories. It doesn't matter that your stories don't work for you or keep you stuck. Many of us would rather be right than be happy. You got a story? Stick with it.
If we admitted that our stories about our lives, what we can achieve, what our limitations are, what other people "mean by that," and multitudinous other myths are made up or handed down or helped us cope with life as kids, we'd have to acknowledge we are living by a history that doesn't care whether we're loyal to it or not. We'd have to admit there might be another scenario for us.
For instance, I met a woman who had recently lost her dog. She was inconsolable to the point of needing medication to keep from doing harm to herself. Many of you consoled me by assuring me that Bailey was now in doggie heaven running around pain free. I don't have any way of knowing if this is true or not, but the thought of it soothed me. When I suggested to the sobbing woman that her pooch was now romping in doggie heaven, she reprimanded me. She pooh-poohed (sorry for the pun) doggie heaven and so it wasn't a comfort for her. She refused to relieve her pain even a smidgen.
When Bailey's friend Duffy died, his human mother said she couldn't replace Duffy for at least five years. She felt that to replace Duffy sooner would be disloyal to him. I choose to believe that Bailey wants me to be happy. Bailey also knows that there are many fine dogs that deserve the life he enjoyed. Bailey believes I should go for another furball lickety-split.
All these arbitrary rules, regulations, and repartee regarding pet demise sparked the thought of how we make up or inherit stories and then make them our own immutable life roadmap. We make the story truth by acting in ways that support the story. You know people who say they are accident-prone and proceed to trip over the tangle of electrical cords they left in the middle of the floor. Or, you know people who say they're unlucky. That gives them an excuse when things go wrong.
Stan believed you only get one chance at love. He had ended a long relationship at thirty. In order to be right about this rule, Stan did nothing to form another connection. Stan proved his premise day after day and year after year by never taking a chance; never challenging the story. When I heard this one-chance "rule," it didn't fit my own set of rules and regs. Did this one strike and you're out story mean that widows and widowers were destined to wear black and never find another mate? Were divorced people barred from romance?
Carmen stars as the victim in her story. Thus, she takes no initiative. Carmen is always being "done to." If a friend or family member doesn't call her, she's being neglected. She knows how to use a phone, but making the effort to contact people wouldn't fit her plot. So, she waits. She waits and waits until either someone rescues her or she's left to sulk and spread guilt.
People create stories about what they can accomplish. Many high school dropouts don't see a future for themselves. Their story ends at the fry maker at McDonald's.
The confining thing about our stories is that in order to be right all the time, we limit our experiences, research, and questioning to those thoughts, actions, events, and people that support our story.
Challenge your stories. Find out where they came from and what they're based on. Are your stories working for you or are they limiting your life? If you changed your story, what would that mean you'd have to do differently? Pay attention to what you base your actions on. Pay attention to other people's stories. Pay special attention to the stories of those people you admire. If their stories differ from yours, ask them where they got the notions they base their lives on? There is more than one way to look at or do life. You have options.
I realized recently that I was not a BIG thinker. My work had always been motivated by needing to make money to support myself. Other people have BIG ideas and goals for me. I'm complimented, fascinated, and daunted by that. What would it mean if I thought BIG? If I acted BIG? Ah, but enough about me.
Blanche, a woman in her eighties, commented that she's always wanted to go out to dinner and order nothing but dessert. She's not had the guts to bypass greens and protein in favor of chocolate decadence. Why? She learned as a kid that you must eat dinner first in order to get dessert. Given Blanche's age, it's time she took the plunge right into a crème brulee while others are enjoying their appetizers.
What's your story and why are you sticking to it?
Karen Susman is a Speaker, Trainer, Coach, and Author of 102 Top Dog Networking Secrets. Karen works with organizations that want to maximize performance. Programs include Humour at Work; Balance In Life; Networking Skills; Presentation Skills; and Building Community Involvement. Order new guidebooks on humour, networking, time management, and community involvement by calling 1-888-678-8818 or e-mail Karen@KarenSusman.com.. www.KarenSusman.com .
Published Networking Today August 2008
Wanna be right? Do everything that validates your stories. It doesn't matter that your stories don't work for you or keep you stuck. Many of us would rather be right than be happy. You got a story? Stick with it.
If we admitted that our stories about our lives, what we can achieve, what our limitations are, what other people "mean by that," and multitudinous other myths are made up or handed down or helped us cope with life as kids, we'd have to acknowledge we are living by a history that doesn't care whether we're loyal to it or not. We'd have to admit there might be another scenario for us.
For instance, I met a woman who had recently lost her dog. She was inconsolable to the point of needing medication to keep from doing harm to herself. Many of you consoled me by assuring me that Bailey was now in doggie heaven running around pain free. I don't have any way of knowing if this is true or not, but the thought of it soothed me. When I suggested to the sobbing woman that her pooch was now romping in doggie heaven, she reprimanded me. She pooh-poohed (sorry for the pun) doggie heaven and so it wasn't a comfort for her. She refused to relieve her pain even a smidgen.
When Bailey's friend Duffy died, his human mother said she couldn't replace Duffy for at least five years. She felt that to replace Duffy sooner would be disloyal to him. I choose to believe that Bailey wants me to be happy. Bailey also knows that there are many fine dogs that deserve the life he enjoyed. Bailey believes I should go for another furball lickety-split.
All these arbitrary rules, regulations, and repartee regarding pet demise sparked the thought of how we make up or inherit stories and then make them our own immutable life roadmap. We make the story truth by acting in ways that support the story. You know people who say they are accident-prone and proceed to trip over the tangle of electrical cords they left in the middle of the floor. Or, you know people who say they're unlucky. That gives them an excuse when things go wrong.
Stan believed you only get one chance at love. He had ended a long relationship at thirty. In order to be right about this rule, Stan did nothing to form another connection. Stan proved his premise day after day and year after year by never taking a chance; never challenging the story. When I heard this one-chance "rule," it didn't fit my own set of rules and regs. Did this one strike and you're out story mean that widows and widowers were destined to wear black and never find another mate? Were divorced people barred from romance?
Carmen stars as the victim in her story. Thus, she takes no initiative. Carmen is always being "done to." If a friend or family member doesn't call her, she's being neglected. She knows how to use a phone, but making the effort to contact people wouldn't fit her plot. So, she waits. She waits and waits until either someone rescues her or she's left to sulk and spread guilt.
People create stories about what they can accomplish. Many high school dropouts don't see a future for themselves. Their story ends at the fry maker at McDonald's.
The confining thing about our stories is that in order to be right all the time, we limit our experiences, research, and questioning to those thoughts, actions, events, and people that support our story.
Challenge your stories. Find out where they came from and what they're based on. Are your stories working for you or are they limiting your life? If you changed your story, what would that mean you'd have to do differently? Pay attention to what you base your actions on. Pay attention to other people's stories. Pay special attention to the stories of those people you admire. If their stories differ from yours, ask them where they got the notions they base their lives on? There is more than one way to look at or do life. You have options.
I realized recently that I was not a BIG thinker. My work had always been motivated by needing to make money to support myself. Other people have BIG ideas and goals for me. I'm complimented, fascinated, and daunted by that. What would it mean if I thought BIG? If I acted BIG? Ah, but enough about me.
Blanche, a woman in her eighties, commented that she's always wanted to go out to dinner and order nothing but dessert. She's not had the guts to bypass greens and protein in favor of chocolate decadence. Why? She learned as a kid that you must eat dinner first in order to get dessert. Given Blanche's age, it's time she took the plunge right into a crème brulee while others are enjoying their appetizers.
What's your story and why are you sticking to it?
Karen Susman is a Speaker, Trainer, Coach, and Author of 102 Top Dog Networking Secrets. Karen works with organizations that want to maximize performance. Programs include Humour at Work; Balance In Life; Networking Skills; Presentation Skills; and Building Community Involvement. Order new guidebooks on humour, networking, time management, and community involvement by calling 1-888-678-8818 or e-mail Karen@KarenSusman.com..
Published Networking Today August 2008
Topics
Attitudes+Goals,
Karen Susman
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