Increase Your Business Success: Learn to Mingle in 9 Simple Steps!

By Barbara Pachter

Two managers were competing for a promotion. Both were professionally competent and ready to move up. Yet only one of them had outstanding social skills. She was the one who could walk into any social event – whether a dinner meeting or company party – and immediately strike up a conversation with just about anyone. She was outgoing and interesting. The other woman crossed her arms when talking to others, didn’t make eye contact, and often stood by herself at networking events. Small talk was a torment for her.

Guess who got picked for the promotion? The good mingler, of course.

Socializing successfully isn’t an option; it’s an important business skill. It’s an opportunity to meet people and have people get to know you outside of the traditional office setting. And that’s important because people do business with others they know, like, and respect. Mingling and striking up conversations with people you know and don’t know is also a great way to get the inside story or gain valuable information about your department, company, or field.

Yet socializing with ease doesn’t come easily to everyone. But mingling is a skill that can be mastered by anyone, even the shy individual. And of course, there are a lot of professionals who think they’re great minglers when, in fact, they need to brush up on their skills too, like people who don’t make eye contact or express a genuine interest in others.

Here are the nine skills that will help you become a mingling maven:

1. GO WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE. If you go to a social situation thinking you will have a horrible time, you will have a horrible time. If you go thinking, I can mingle, I can have an interesting, good time, you are much more likely to have a positive experience.
   
   
2. KEEP YOUR BODY LANGUAGE OPEN. I see a lot of people who look like ice kings and queens at business social events. They stand with stern facial expressions. Others cross their arms, wring their hands, stand against the wall, or bite their nails. Instead, walk in with a smile. Keep your hands to your sides. And remember, if you don’t look or act nervous, people won’t know you are nervous.
   
   
3. FOLLOW THE 10-5 RULE FOR MEETING AND GREETING. If you make eye contact with someone within 10 feet of you, you must acknowledge someone with a nod or a smile. At 5 feet you must say something, “Hello,” or “Good morning.” It’s a good rule because it drives people crazy when others pretend they don’t see them!
   
   
4. DRESS APPROPRIATELY. Wear clothes that fit well and are appropriate to the event. You want to feel good and comfortable in them. It’s hard to mingle with confidence if you’re dressed inappropriately or your clothes are ill fitting.
   
   
5. PREPARE CONVERSATION AHEAD OF TIME. People feel much more able to approach others when they have something to say. Read the daily newspaper and know what is going on in the world. Read your professional journals and newsletters and know what’s going on in your field.
   
   
6. BE WILLING TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO NEW PEOPLE. The easiest person to walk up to is the person who is alone. That person is usually grateful for the company. Introduce yourself and shake hands both when you greet the person and when you leave. And remember to keep your drink in your left hand so your right is free and dry to shake. If you’re sitting down, turn to the people on either side of you and say hello and introduce yourself.
   
   
7. ASK QUESTIONS TO ENCOURAGE THE OTHER PERSON TO TALK. Make comments about the answers to continue the conversation. Here are four types of comments you can make: Expanding: “Tell me more, it sounds as if you had a great time.” Comparing: “That sounds as if it is similar to…” Self-revealing: “I know what you mean I was in a similar situation last year.” Clarifying: “What exactly did he do?”
   
   
8. DON’T DRINK TOO MUCH. Some people may drink to feel more comfortable in social situations, but it can really backfire on you. You may say or do something you wouldn’t normally say or do. If you do decide to drink, stick to the one drink rule.
   
   
9. USE EXIT LINES. Not only do you need to say hello, you need to say goodbye. An exit line will help you say goodbye gracefully and leave on a positive note. You can simply say, “Nice talking to you,” “Good to see you” or “I hope to see you again soon.”
   

Barbara Pachter is the author of "The Jerk With the Cell Phone" (Marlowe & Co.), and “The Power of Positive Confrontation” ($13.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and “When The Little Things Count...And They Always Count,” ($12.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.). She is co-author of several books including the “Prentice Hall Complete Business Etiquette Handbook.” She is a speaker, trainer and coach specializing in business communications, business etiquette, and assertiveness issues. Her client list features major corporations and organizations worldwide, including NASA, Pfizer Inc., DaimlerChrysler, Ernst & Young, and the University of Michigan.

For a review copy of “When the Little Things Count” or “The Power of Positive Confrontation,” contact Blanca Olivery: 646-375-2571, or blanca@avalonpub.com. Published in Networking Today, October 2004.

5 Ways to Be Verbally Graceful Under Fire

By Barbara Pachter

If you’ve ever had your work questioned, or attacked, you know it’s a terrible feeling. No one wants to hear statements like “Creating that brochure seemed like a waste of time,” “How come you spent so much money on…?” or “If you had your act together, you wouldn’t have….”

And you, like many people, may have retorted with an insulting comeback, stormed out of the office, cried (or at least wanted to!), or been struck mute.

The worst part about being questioned or attacked is that it usually catches us by surprise, and that throws us off balance. The important thing is not to react in a way we will later regret. Though it may feel good to say, “Well, what do you know, you idiot?” it’s not going to build your credibility or accomplish anything.

But it is important to act. You don’t want to be thinking, “I should have said….” When you’re prepared, it’s easier to retain your composure and not get defensive. Build your credibility and other people’s confidence in you by using the following five guidelines for what to say when the going gets tough at work:

1. AGREE WITH THE COMMENT. A good defense is the best offense. You can agree with what the person said but add information that turns the comment around, such as, “You’re right. We did spend a lot of money because it’s important to get this information out to our customers.”
   
   
2. ASK FOR CLARIFICATION. Ask questions or make comments to get more information: “Why are you saying that?” “Help me to understand what you mean by….” “Tell me more about your concern.” “Are you saying it was…?” Probing makes you less likely to appear wounded by the attack, and it also buys you some time to calm down and collect your thoughts.
   
   
3. ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU HAVE HEARD. First acknowledge what was said: “I understand your frustration,” or “I hear what you’re saying.” Then use the word and, not but, to provide clarifying information, because using but negates what comes before it. A defusing statement such as “There may be some truth to that, and we are looking at the numbers,” or “That’s interesting, and you may not realize that we’ve been looking at those numbers,” can also let the person know that you have heard him or her.
   
   
4. RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE. Be polite but firm. You can say, “I disagree, and here’s why…”
   
   
5. POSTPONE THE DISCUSSION. Sometimes it’s best to talk to the person privately. Say something like, “You obviously have strong feelings. Let’s get together after the meeting so we can discuss this issue in more depth.”
   

Barbara Pachter is the author of “The Power of Positive Confrontation” ($13.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and “When The Little Things Count...And They Always Count,” ($12.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.). She is co-author of several books including the “Prentice Hall Complete Business Etiquette Handbook.” She is a speaker, trainer and coach specializing in business communications, business etiquette, and assertiveness issues. Her client list features major corporations and organizations worldwide, including NASA, Pfizer Inc., DaimlerChrysler, Ernst & Young, and the University of Michigan. For a review copy of “When the Little Things Count” or “The Power of Positive Confrontation,” contact Blanca Olivery: 646-375-2571, or blanca@avalonpub.com. Published in Networking Today, May 2004.

7 Ways to Help Kids Get and Stay Connected... Not to Computers, But to People

By Barbara Pachter

When I speak to parents on how to foster better connectivity skills (the ability to form and maintain relationships with others) in their kids, one of the first things I tell them is, “You have to teach your kids to say hello and goodbye to other people.”

And then they look at me, like “Duh, Barbara. Of course I teach my child to say hello.”

I believe that some parents do. Yet, based on the sheer number of kids and adults I meet, teach, and coach who tell me that schoolmates, coworkers, neighbours, and other acquaintances will see them and not say anything, I know something has gone wrong. We are failing to connect. We are failing to teach our kids how to connect with others.

Saying hello and goodbye does matter. It’s virtually impossible to connect with people if you don’t greet them—even with just a smile—to acknowledge that “I see you.” By doing so, kids put themselves “out there” in the world in a positive way. They create the opportunity to meet and get to know another person. That’s why greetings are the foundation of connectivity skills, because without them, your child’s relationships with others may not occur.

Here are 7 simple ways you can help kids connect with others through greetings:

1. ROLE MODEL HOW TO SAY HELLO AND ACKNOWLEDGE OTHERS. If we don’t role model how to greet others, introduce ourselves, and shake hands, our kids are less likely to know how to do it, won’t know it’s important that they do it, and will therefore not be as confident or comfortable as others when meeting people. You absolutely need to communicate to kids through action and words: connecting with other people matters. Many people think they are greeting others but when they tune in and pay attention many find out they are not greeting as often as they think.
   
   
2. OBSERVE YOUR CHILD WITH OTHERS. You don’t want to put your child under a microscope, but you do need to pay attention and watch if he or she is greeting others. Specifically try to notice her greeting patterns, such as, does she respond back when greeted? Does he know to say goodbye? Identifying your child’s connectivity comfort zones will help you help her move out of them. You can then gently encourage her to say hello to the new girl on the block or the kids at the playground if you see she’s holding back.
   
   
3. TEACH YOUR CHILD THE IMPORTANCE OF EYE CONTACT. Kids need to be told that in order to truly connect, they have to make eye contact when they’re greeting others, making introductions, or saying goodbye, both with adults and other kids. Even some outgoing children will try to avoid making eye contact because it can be uncomfortable. Reassure your child that making eye contact gets easier over time.
   
   
4. TEACH KIDS ABOUT NON-VERBAL GREETINGS. Adults know that in our complex and diverse world, not all greetings are verbal. We know that in addition to saying “hello” or “good morning” that we may kiss or hug good friends. To others that we see quickly in passing, we may just nod, smile, or wave. Let your child know that he can acknowledge friends though eye contact, a smile, a nod, or a wave. One shy boy would do a low wave to his friends and he became known for that.
   
   
5. GIVE KIDS PERMISSION TO GREET ADULTS. Of course adults know it’s okay for kids to greet adults—in fact, that they do so and politely, but kids don’t know the boundaries. Almost every adult your child meets is in some way an authority figure, someone in a position of power. Most adults, especially teachers, principals, and people in uniform, do inspire awe and/or fear in kids. But parents should explain that as long as she’s in a safe environment, she should greet her teachers or coach, or other adults if she’s with you.
   
   
6. LET KIDS TALK LIKE KIDS. Most kids, at least under the age of eight or nine, aren’t going to remember to say, “Good afternoon,” or “Nice seeing you,” and let’s face it, kids who are older would find that a strange greeting anyway. When kids are under the age of 12, “Hi,” or “See you,” are perfectly acceptable ways to greet and leave another child. One mom told me that hearing her eight-year old son say, “Hey,” to his friends made her cringe. I told her not to worry about it; at least he was greeting others and making the connections.
   
   
7. HELP KIDS FEEL COMFORTABLE INTRODUCING THEMSELVES. You can make what can often be a difficult and painful experience—being the kid who doesn’t know anyone and isn’t introduced—a lot easier by teaching your child how to introduce herself. I find that kids do well when they practice a “What’s Your Line.” This is a simple one to three sentence introduction that includes a greeting and your child’s name, a quick fact that helps bridge the gap, like where your child is from or what class she’s in at school, and a question to the other person. “What’s your name?” is the best one for kids, especially under the age of 12.
   

Barbara Pachter is the author of "When the Little Things Count…And They Always Count" and "The Power of Positive Confrontation." She is a speaker, trainer, and coach specializing in communications, etiquette, and assertiveness issues. Pachter is writing a new book about the 99 most important connectivity skills to teach today’s techno-oriented kids who spend more time alone—in front of the TV, computers, and electronic games. (She is the author of six communications books and has now turned her attention to helping children learn connectivity skills based on the number of questions and comments she has gotten about kids in her adult classes.)

For a review copy of "When the Little Things Count" or "The Power of Positive Confrontation," contact Blanca Olivery: 212-614-7982, or Email: publicity@avalonpub.com

Published in Networking Today, December 2003.

17 Career-Advancement ActionsYou Need to Take Now!

By Barbara Pachter

Successful job searches are a critical part of your career development. They make things happen in your career. But don’t make the common mistake of beginning your search just when you want a new position. You always want to anticipate your next move within your organization.

Career advancement is an ongoing process. Here are 17 suggestions for creating opportunities, getting noticed, and advancing in your career:

Ongoing Activities:

1. DEVELOP YOUR CAPABILITIES. Learn new things. Read. Know your field. Stay up-to-date. Take advantage of the training that your company provides. Go back to school; get that degree or take a class. Not only will you develop yourself, but you can also meet people for your network.
   
   
2. KEEP A RECORD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Write down what you have accomplished. If you don’t, you may overlook specific achievements when you update your résumé or prepare for an interview.
   
   
3. BE VISIBLE. Write articles for your organization’s publications. Volunteer for special activities and assignments. Offer to speak. Apply for or earn awards or certificates. Join company teams or clubs.
   
   
4. FINE-TUNE YOUR PROFESSIONAL IMAGE. Do what you say you will do, meet your deadlines, speak well of yourself, accept compliments graciously, acknowledge the contributions of others.
   
   
5. GET INVOLVED IN YOUR PROFESSION. Join your professional associations, attend meetings, and volunteer for committees. You will find out what is happening in your field, and you will meet people for your network.
   
   
6. FIND A MENTOR. A mentor can help guide you as you advance in your field. Take advantage of your company’s mentoring program, if there is one, or use your own network to find someone to work with you. Offer to mentor others, also.
   
   
7. HELP OTHERS. What goes around really does come around again, so help others. When you can, be a resource to your co-workers. Let your colleagues know of openings that you’re aware of. Introduce people to others who may be able to help them.
   

During an Active Search:

1. EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS. Do you have specific career goals? What are your next steps? Understand the career paths that exist in your company. Do you need additional or new experience to move up? Will you need to change areas within your company to get the experience you need? Devote some time to thinking your options through.
   
   
2. STAY FOCUSED. It’s easy to avoid looking. Set a number of activities, contacts, or connections that you will make each week. Make it a realistic number and work to achieve it. Be persistent.
   
   
3. BE ACCOUNTABLE TO SOMEONE. Have a coach or mentor whom you check in with periodically. Let him or her know how your search is progressing. Use your coach to brainstorm additional ideas for you to explore.
   
   
4. SCHEDULE TIME FOR YOUR SEARCH. Life is hectic, but with a schedule you are more apt to have time to look. One director I know would put his son to bed at eight o’clock and then use the rest of his evening twice a week to practice interviewing.
   
   
5. FINE-TUNE YOUR RÉSUMÉ AND COVER LETTER. Use good stationery. Prepare other materials that you may need.
   
   
6. KNOW YOUR COMPANY'S PROCEDURES. Many companies post openings on their Web site or publish a list that is available from the human resources department. You may have to follow a certain protocol to interview for a different department within your company.
   
   
7. USE YOUR NETWORK. Let people know you’re looking. And don’t wait until you’re looking to develop or expand your network. Many of the ongoing activities mentioned above will help you network successfully.
   
   
8. KNOW HOW TO INTERVIEW. Be on time for the interview. Dress appropriately. Anticipate the tough questions and know how to answer them. Greet interviewers with a firm handshake and wait until you’re offered a chair before you sit down. Answer questions clearly and concisely. Avoid nervous gestures, like hand wringing or playing with pens or rings.
   

When You Get a New Position:

1. SEND THANK-YOU NOTES TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED YOU. One manager went out of her way to give a recommendation to a co-worker for a promotion. The woman got the promotion and never got back to the manager to thank her. The manager said that she would never help that individual again!
   
   
2. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OPPORTUNITIES THAT YOUR NEW POSITION OFFERS. Continue to develop yourself. You may be eligible for specialized training or additional educational opportunities.
   

Barbara Pachter is the author of "The Power of Positive Confrontation" ($13.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and the co-author of the "Prentice Hall Complete Business Etiquette Handbook." She is a speaker, trainer and coach specializing in business communications, business etiquette, and assertiveness issues. Her client list features major corporations and organizations worldwide, including NASA, DaimlerChrysler, Pfizer, Ernst & Young and the University of Michigan.

For a review copy of "When the Little Things Count" or "The Power of Positive Confrontation," contact Blanca Olivery: 212-614-7982, or Email: publicity@avalonpub.com

Published in Networking Today, November 2003.

Ten Guidelines for At-Home Business Entertaining

By Barbara Pachter

A manager wanted to thank his department for working exceptionally long hours to finish a proposal on time. He invited them to his home for a Friday night dinner to celebrate. This was a gracious and welcomed act on his part except shortly after the meal was served, he had to leave the table for 20 minutes to put his two-year old son to bed. This made his employees feel awkward. They didn’t know if they should continue to eat or wait for him to return.

Entertaining successfully at home can add a lot to your professional image—if done well. You appear as the boss who appreciates others and will go the extra mile for his or her employees. But making some common blunders can detract from your image and even undermine your authority.

Whether as a thank you, team building event, or a holiday celebration, here are 10 guidelines for managers to remember if entertaining in their homes:

1. Make sure your invitation gives the necessary information. Your employees need to know if spouses or dates are invited, the dress code, the time the party starts and ends, and whether or not a meal will be served.
   
   
2. Check dietary requirements ahead of time. Many people are vegetarians or have restrictions. Make sure there is something for every one to eat. Keep the food simple and easy to eat. No spare ribs or spaghetti.
   
   
3. Make sure your children are well behaved or you have a babysitter available. You don’t want them distracting your guests. Same rule applies to pets. Many people are frightened of dogs or may be allergic to animals.
   
   
4. Prepare you spouse or partner. Let him or her know who is coming and why. Try to share something about each person so that your spouse or partner can make conversation with all of your guests.
   
   
5. Clean your entire house. You don’t want to undermine your image by having your guests see a dirty bathroom or a messy home office. A salesman was having dinner at his director’s home when he accidentally opened a closet, thinking it was a rest room, and he was met with an avalanche of coats, hats, and board games.
   
   
6. Be cautious with liquor. If you serve alcohol make sure no one gets drunk, yourself included. Offering just wine and beer instead of hard liquor is simpler and safer.
   
   
7. As the host, make sure you mingle with everyone. Help others mingle also. If everyone doesn’t know everyone, make the introductions. Don’t just talk about business. This is an opportunity to get to know others outside of the business environment. Just don’t get too personal.
   
   
8. If you can, arrange for help for serving and cleaning up. This way you will get to interact with your guests.
   
   
9. If you have music, choose something that all will like. I attended a party at a client’s home once and was surprised to find that she played hard rock music, very loudly. Jazz or classic music can be a good choice, but keep it in the background so people can speak comfortably.
   
   
10. Offer a brief speech or toast, to welcome your guests and let them know you appreciate their efforts. Employees will appreciate being thanked and recognized for their hard work.
    

Barbara Pachter is the author of "The Power of Positive Confrontation" ($13.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and the co-author of the "Prentice Hall Complete Business Etiquette Handbook." She is a speaker, trainer and coach specializing in business communications, business etiquette, and assertiveness issues. Her client list features major corporations and organizations worldwide, including NASA, DaimlerChrysler, Pfizer, Ernst & Young and the University of Michigan.

For a review copy of "When the Little Things Count" or "The Power of Positive Confrontation," contact Blanca Olivery: 212-614-7982, or Email: publicity@avalonpub.com

Published in Networking Today, September 2003.

9 Ways to Toot Your Own Horn at Work

By Barbara Pachter

Denise was an accomplished sales manager with a terrific track record. Though she routinely landed the big accounts and her clients loved working with her, you would never hear it from her. If fact, Denise belittled her accomplishments with statements like, “Oh, that was no big deal.”

Like thousands of business professionals, Denise made a career-stalling, sometimes career-killing, mistake. Because she didn’t want to be perceived as a braggart or someone with too big an ego, she chose to be humble instead. After all, nobody likes a braggart in business.

Yet the art of self-promotion is a far cry from bragging. Bragging is obnoxious boasting and is usually done by people to let you know how great they think they are. Tactful self-promotion is a business skill. You don’t want to be obnoxious but learning when and how to speak well of yourself is a key to getting and staying ahead. If you don’t, who will?

It’s imperative that you tactfully and appropriately toot your own horn in all aspects of your career, not only during job interviews but during your regular business activities as well. Here are nine ways you can begin practicing the art of self-promotion:

1. Be Visible. Get involved. Join organizations and volunteer for the committees. Participate in activities. Make presentations or volunteer to train. If possible, write articles for your company publications. You need to be known.
   
   
2. Accept Compliments. When I complimented a VP on his handwriting he responded, “Oh. It’s my pen!” When you negate a compliment you are putting yourself down. You can simply say “Thank you” and then shut your mouth.
   
   
3. Be Prepared. You may often find yourself in situations when you have to tell others about yourself, like when you are a new member of a group or during a meeting when everyone in the room introduces him or herself. Having a prepared self-introduction, like “I’m Tom Smith, the new director in sales. John Jones brought me in to start the new field service project,” will allow you to be comfortable speaking about yourself.
   
   
4. When Asked, Do Tell. If someone asks you, “How are things at work?” this is your opportunity to mention your accomplishments. And express genuine pleasure when you do. When I was asked that recently I said, “I have great news. I was just interviewed by a national business magazine!”
   
   
5. Do Not Use Superlatives, such as “I felt like the greatest…” Simply describe what you did, such as, “Using the new numbers from our field offices, I was able to cut our costs by a quarter.”
   
   
6. Use Comparisons. I once coached a manager to use her experience preparing for the Boston Marathon as a way to answer questions about how she would prepare for a company’s market expansion. Naturally, the higher ups were quite impressed by the fact that she ran a marathon.
   
   
7. Weave Your Accomplishments into Conversations When Appropriate. I will use my experiences to illustrate key teaching points in my classes and by doing so I highlight my accomplishments. For example, when discussing how important it is to prepare for an overseas assignment, I will mention what I did to prepare when I was ask to speak at a ground-breaking women’s seminar in Kuwait.
   
   
8. Don't Mention the Same Accomplishment Over and Over. You can overdo it and this will make you sound like a braggart. Remember there is a balance. You must also speak of other things, not just about what you do well.
   
   
9. Speak Well of Others, Too. This is a gracious act and usually appreciated by the other person. Plus, when you praise others, your comments about yourself don’t seem unusual. (But don’t praise if it isn’t warranted. Others will know and you will appear phony.)
   

Barbara Pachter is the author of "The Power of Positive Confrontation" ($13.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.).and President of Pachter & Associates and can be contacted by email at pachter@ix.netcom.com. For a free copy of Pachter's newsletter, Competitive Edge, call (856) 751-6141 (NJ) or visit www.pachter.com. Published three times a year, it contains tips and strategies for business professionals on a wide range of business communication and etiquette issues.

Published in Networking Today, July 2003.